In part 1 of this blogpost, we talked about the heart behind our parenting as well as some general practices that we can implement to allow space for our teens to get beneath the surface of their actions. What does this look like in practice? If you’re like me, you would love for someone to simply hand you a flow chart or a cheat sheet to know what to say in any given situation. I don’t think there is a choose-your-own-adventure book long enough to imagine the ways a conversation between two active hearts can go. Rather, it is in walking with the Lord, asking for His wisdom, trusting in His sovereignty, and loving as He loves, that we navigate each conversation. That being said, there are some things we can apply in our communication to help develop fertile soil for getting at the heart.
Drawing out your teen’s heart in conversation
Maybe you’re thinking, “It’s hard to converse with my teen about deep things. What can these conversations look like?” Here are some general principles to get us on our way.
Don’t start with WHY. Why questions are hard to answer. Do you immediately know why you did something? It often takes a lot of picking things apart, even for adults. How much more difficult is it for teens to answer those why questions? This doesn’t mean we can’t get there, it just means we might have to help them along the way.
Enter into their experience. Love cares about the details. Ask about what matters to them and share in what brings them both joy and pain. Some teenagers are notoriously reticent, but we can help draw them out. Gently ask for more information, be interested and appreciative of what they share, make suggestions if they seem stuck, but guard against getting frustrated if they don’t give as much as you want. It may take time to chip away at long-formed patterns of communication.
Help them identify emotions. If your teen does share an experience with you, listen not only for the story, but for the emotions they are feeling. Do you hear anger? Happiness? Resentment? Jealousy? Sadness? Point out the emotions that you hear and then invite them to dialogue about it.
Help them recognize their own fears and motivations. Teens (and many adults for that matter), struggle to understand their own actions and responses. Rather than assuming motives (which can often be received as accusation), ask questions that help them dig deeper into their own responses. You might be surprised at their insightfulness when gently encouraged to look beneath the surface.
Some example questions: Can you tell me more about that? What did you fear would happen? What outcome did you want? How did you hope they would respond?
Remind them that they are loved and accepted. To be honest, there are moments when I fear that my children will not love God and people. I see their sin or weaknesses and my gut reaction is to respond in unrighteous anger or to shame or blame. But then I am reminded of how I am loved: how in my own sin and weakness God did not turn his back on me but demonstrated compassionate and redemptive love. He loves my children this way, too, and calls me to be a vessel of the same love. Even when they fail, maybe especiallywhen they fail, remind them that they are loved by you and by a heavenly Father who will never turn away.
Final Thoughts
We have only just begun to scratch the surface of communicating at the heart-level with our teens and tweens. I hope you have found encouragement here that while heart change depends on the Lord, there are things we can do to come alongside our children in these formative years.
However, there may be some of you who are facing angry, aggressive, depressed, and/or anxious teens. For you, the things I’ve mentioned above may be things you have already tried without success, or you may not even be able to get to the point of sitting down to a conversation without tears or explosive anger. Take heart, parents. Our good God sees. Allow him to meet you in your sorrow and frustration. Sometimes (most times) we must trust Him even for the next moment, the next step, the next conversation.
Though we are often fearful in this journey of parenthood, I will let the words of Isaiah be the final encouragement to you and for your children:
Isaiah 41:8–10
[8] But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
[9] you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
[10] fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Let’s pray together for these teen years to truly be an age of opportunity for our children to know their God, to know who He has made them, and to find their strength in Him. And perhaps we should start by praying these things for ourselves as well.
