Getting To The Heart of Teens and Tweens Pt. 1

I can remember holding my infant daughter in my arms and people saying to me, “Enjoy this while you can because the teen years are coming sooner than you think.” Well, that felt ominous. How could this sweet little thing become the monster they predicted? But then, thinking back in those moments to my own teen years and the ways I struggled, I chose to look down at my baby girl and buy into the dread of impending adolescence. Fast forward 15 years. Now that we’re here, are we doomed to just survive these years? Or could they possibly a season of growth and flourishing?

A helpful quote to consider

“It is time for us to reject the wholesale cynicism of our culture regarding adolescence. Rather than years of undirected and unproductive struggle, these are years of unprecedented opportunity. They are the golden age of parenting… These are not years merely to be survived! They are to be approached with a sense of hope and a sense of mission.” - Paul Tripp, Age of Opportunity

A Paradigm of the heart

Luke 6:45 says, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”  

Let’s clarify what this verse is saying: our behavior flows out of our hearts, regardless of our circumstances or life stage. The teen years offer us a unique opportunity to apply this truth to ourselves and our teens. Why? Because in these years, we are especially tempted to focus on their behaviors and choices (external expressions of what their hearts really desire) and to dismiss our own sinful responses when those expressions don’t align with what we hope for.

In every interaction with our children, it is important to recognize that there are two active hearts: theirs and ours. In order to effectively address their hearts, we must start by being acutely aware of our own.

It starts with me

To aid us in getting a hold of our own hearts, here are a few diagnostic questions. If we are honest with ourselves, we might find that simply being aware of the answers to these questions can improve our approach to our children.

What do I really desire for and from my teen? What does that say about my own heart?

As believers, we would most likely state up front that we want our children to be people who love the Lord and love others. But functionally, there are other desires that often take first place. Maybe we want them to make better choices, get good grades, have friends who are a positive influence, get into a good college, and be safe. These are good things, but they cannot be the ultimate things.

Maybe what we want at a deeply personal level is for our children to be obedient so that our lives can be easier. Maybe we want them to excel so that we can feel affirmed that we are doing a good job as parents. Perhaps we want them to show appreciation and respect because we feel we deserve it. These are also not bad desires, but if any of these take the front seat to our desire for God to be glorified in their lives and in ours, we need to pause. Living out of these desires - essentially worshiping them - will tear down how we communicate with and care for our children.

What do I fear for my teen?

Fear can be a huge factor in how we engage with our teens. There is a truly scary world out there and to deny it would be naïve. But rather than being paralyzed by fear or trying to control every aspect of their lives, we need to prepare them to faithfully face the temptations and pressures they will inevitably meet. If we ourselves, however, choose to live out of fear rather than faith, we are teaching our children that God is small or that He is far away or that maybe He is not in control after all. Choosing not to be driven by fear means that we as parents must know who our God is. Are there places where you don’t trust Him? Come to Him honestly about the things you fear.

What am I doing that hinders communication?

Are you prone to making assumptions before you’ve allowed your teen to share? Do you tend to fly off the handle at the slightest whiff of disrespect? Do you launch into lengthy diatribes hoping that something will stick? (I’m guilty of that one.) Do you expect your teen to answer you immediately when you’ve asked a hard, probing, or accusatory question? Do you resort to guilt or shame to try to get them to do better?

Imagine being on the receiving end of some of the ways we communicate with our teens. We can again pause and ask ourselves what our own motivations are in communicating in these ways. Very often for me the answer goes back to one of the first two questions. I have had many occasions when I have had to ask for forgiveness, not just for my words and tone, but for the heart behind them. 

Practices to draw out your teen’s heart

So what does it look like to draw out your teen’s heart in real life? Here are a few broad principles to start with.

Be present. I have often expressed my concern over my children’s generation’s obsession with their phones and social media. Then, every so often, my astute younger daughter will point out that I also spend a good portion of my life with my phone in my hand (ouch!). I may have valid excuses (I’m emailing, working, reading the news, ordering your new shoes, etc.), but in the end, what she sees is my face glued to my phone.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be the phone that distracts us. We live busy lives, and while there are certainly things we need to attend to, perhaps we can all take an intentional step toward being present. Allowing the space for meaningful conversation is the first step.

Be patient. “I guess I’m mad at you that we moved.” It took my younger daughter about two months to express this. Until then, I took her grumpiness and attitude as signs of sadness that we had just moved across the country. When I would ask her what was wrong and she couldn’t answer right away, I would assume she was grieving or “just being a tween.” Finally, one long weekend we took a family trip and I sat with her on the couch and waited. I asked her some questions, paused, and didn’t assume or accuse, and eventually she made that confession with tears. Teens often don’t know what they are feeling, or they are feeling many things at once. Allow them the time and help they need to recognize and express what they are experiencing. Patience is hard, but we have a God who specializes in this and He can help.

Be prudent. I read a blog post recently that said this when it comes to raising teens: “Major on the majors.” In other words, we need to be wise in the things we go to battle for. Too often for me, the things I pick at are simply preferences that I choose to elevate to level of law. Certainly there are times when we need to call out sin or help our children see the foolishness of their decisions, but if we make every matter equally weighty, pretty soon we start to sound like the teacher in the old Peanuts cartoons, “Wah wah wah, wah wah.”As with so much else in parenting, this tendency to major on minors often goes back to our own hearts. Instead, ask, “What does scripture emphasize?” or “Where is my child truly on the wrong path?” Let’s start with those.

Be prayerful. All of this is hard and requires a lot of intentionality, maybe intentionality that we don’t feel we have the energy or capacity for. But knowing that the care of our children’s souls is of primary importance, we ask for help. There is very little that we can control, but we have a God who is over all. Ask him for help. And as you do, you may be surprised at how He can work in your relationship with your children as He works in your own heart.