Defensiveness: A Subtle Danger in Marriage

According to decades of marital research, four key communication patterns can severely damage a relationship. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman famously refers to these patterns as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. This post focuses on one of these patterns—defensiveness—and invites us to examine it from a biblical perspective.

Defensiveness: A Heart Posture

Defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen identified by Gottman’s research, manifesting as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood. It’s an attempt to protect oneself from a perceived attack. Defensiveness typically appears through excuses, counterattacks, denial, or portraying oneself as blameless. In marriage counseling, I frequently see defensiveness during sessions. It often emerges subtly—tone shifts, justifications, or attempts to preserve one’s sense of goodness.

Defensiveness is not only a relational dynamic; it is also a matter of the heart. Scripture repeatedly calls believers toward humility, gentleness, and responsibility. Our defensive responses can easily mask a deeper issue, such as righteousness, pride, or fear.

Before anything can change, we must first acknowledge: I do become defensive at times.
This admission is difficult, but it positions us for spiritual growth.

Jeremiah reminds us that “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jer. 17:9, ESV). We are not always aware of what is driving our reactions. God’s Word calls us to “clothe [ourselves] with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (Col. 3:12, ESV). Defensiveness, in contrast, is often rooted in pride or fear—whereas humility enables us to receive correction without collapsing or attacking.

Step 1: Pause and Notice What’s Happening Inside You

The next time you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, pause and reflect: “Am I being defensive?”

This moment of self-awareness opens space for the Holy Spirit to reveal your heart. Pray as the psalmist did:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
- Psalm 139:23–24, ESV

Now ask honestly and prayerfully:

• Am I trying to defend my reputation?

• My perspective?

• My sense of being right?

• My identity as “the reasonable one”?

• Am I trying to justify my position, or why I said what I said, or did what I did?

Be curious, not condemning. Notice what is happening internally. Consider your physical cues:

• Is your chest tight?

• Is your breathing shallow?

• Are you getting warm?

• Is your mind racing?

These subtle signs often reveal defensiveness long before words do.

Step 2: Name Your Defensiveness Out Loud

Once you realize you are being defensive, speak it aloud: “I’m feeling defensive right now.”

This simple phrase is astonishingly powerful. It disarms tension, invites humility, and increases emotional safety. When a spouse hears this, the conversation shifts from adversarial to collaborative.

Step 3: Confess and Repent

Gottman’s antidote to defensiveness is to take even a small piece of responsibility. Naming your defensiveness is the first step toward doing exactly that.

After naming it, move toward confession. Scripture teaches us that confession is a pathway to healing.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” - 1 John 1:9, ESV

Instead of allocating blame or defending yourself, look for one part you can take responsibility for. Some possibilities:

• “I’m sorry. My tone was sharper than it needed to be.”

• “I interrupted you, and that wasn’t fair.”

• “I shut down instead of listening.”

• “My reaction was out of proportion.”

This does not mean you take all the blame; it simply means you own your portion. That small step opens the door to reconciliation.

It is helpful to remember that the very first dysfunctional communication pattern in Scripture involved blame-shifting: Adam blamed Eve; Eve blamed the serpent (Gen. 3). Defensiveness is not new, and neither is God’s invitation to humility.

Confession softens the heart—both yours and your spouse’s. It is a sign of relational and spiritual maturity.

Step 4: Choose Honor of Your Spouse over Self-Protection

Paul writes:

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
- Romans 12:10, ESV

To honor your spouse is to value their heart more than your own comfort, pride, or justification. Defensiveness communicates the opposite: “My feelings matter more than yours right now.”

Honor listens.
Honor seeks to understand.
Honor is willing to be wrong.
Honor reflects Christ, who humbled Himself for our sake (Phil. 2:3–5).

When you feel yourself slipping into defensiveness, pause and pray:

“Lord, give me a humble heart to listen.
Help me receive my spouse’s words with grace,
and show me what part I can take responsibility for.”

This reorients your posture away from self-preservation and toward Christlike love.

Conclusion: Defensiveness Is a Spiritual Formation Opportunity

Defensiveness is not simply a communication issue; it is a discipleship issue.
It reveals where we cling to pride, fear, or self-righteousness. But through the Holy Spirit, it can become a place of profound spiritual growth.

Every moment of defensiveness is an invitation from God:
to slow down,
to examine your heart,
to confess what is yours,
and to love your spouse with Christlike humility.

May we respond to these invitations with courage, gentleness, and grace. 

Suggested Reading for Couples:

• Tim Keller – The Meaning of Marriage
  A theological and relational vision for marriage rooted in the gospel.

• Gary Thomas – Sacred Marriage
  How God uses marriage to shape holiness and character.

• Henry Cloud & John Townsend – Boundaries in Marriage
  A practical guide to healthy responsibility and relational integrity.