Parenting Adult Children: Biblical Principles for Thriving After the Empty Nest
The day your children leave home marks a major life transition. For many parents, this season brings mixed emotions—joy for their independence, yet uncertainty about your new role. While you will always be their parents (and that does not end when they move out), the expectations of the role change. As Christian parents, we are called to navigate this stage with love, wisdom, grace, and faith.
Here, we offer biblical principles with practical examples to help in this newly modified and ongoing role to support healthy relationships, to support without controlling, and to embrace this new season with trust in the Lord’s goodness and sovereignty. The focus primarily addresses children that have left home and that are married (or intent on getting married). There are many issues that could be addressed, so we will touch on just a few.
1. Navigating the Transition
The transition is a delicate time of change, and can create fear and anxiety, and ambiguity about the parents’ role. When children become adults, your role essentially shifts from authority to advisor (and the latter mostly when asked).
Genesis 2:24 reminds us:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
This means your child’s primary loyalty is now to their spouse (or future spouse if marriage is desired). Respect this God-ordained design by supporting their independence rather than directing their decisions. This respect holds true whether your child is married or not. And, unless you are preventing a financial or other disaster, it is best to be asked in advance before giving advice.
One of the frequent examples where an adult child may ask for advice is about the purchase of a home. Although meant in sincerity and care, saying something like: “You should buy a house in this neighborhood,” can result in a closed conversation. As an alternative, saying something like:
“Have you considered what is most important to you in a home? I would love to hear your thoughts,” will likely invite conversation without control.
2. Keeping Healthy Boundaries
Counterintuitively, setting boundaries protects relationships rather than impeding them. This does not mean setting “fences” for negating interaction. However, it does “give space” and freedom that is needed.
Proverbs 25:17 says:
“Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house, lest he become weary of you and hate you.”
One tendency for well-meaning parents is to insert themselves and become over-involved in the adult child’s marriage or parenting decisions. The rule of thumb is to offer guidance only when invited (otherwise, it is often received as criticism).
One of the frequent examples occurs when we as grandparents notice things such as the grandchild’s bedtime routine. Grandparents may want to interject with something like: “That’s too late for a child!” Instead, pray for wisdom and trust your child’s and their spouse’s parenting. If they were to ask for advice, you could share gently something like: “When you were little, we found an earlier bedtime helped. Would you like me to share what worked for us?”
3. Communication and Connection
Colossians 4:6 instructs:
“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt.”
A deep desire of parents is to stay connected with their children after they have left to be on their own. The challenge is to stay connected without being overly intrusive. The best way to ensure this connectivity is to be quick to share encouragement, listen well, and affirm their efforts.
Parents that are successful in this delicate task seemingly exhibit the following:
• Schedule regular calls (including things like FaceTime), but let your child choose the time.
• Send uplifting texts like: “Thinking of you today and praying for wisdom in your decisions.”
• When they share struggles (and this is for the quick fixers out there) you are wise to listen without giving immediate solutions. A better way would be to say something like: “That sounds hard. How can I support you?”
4. Supporting Without Controlling
Galatians 6:2 says:
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
The tendency of many parents is to try to control their grown kids’ paths so that the adult child does not experience burdens or hardship. While aiding when asked is certainly beneficial, overprotection robs the adult child of going to Jesus with the burdens, and growing to be more like Him. Yes, help when absolutely needed, but be discreet, pray, and avoid creating dependency. In other words, encourage independence while being a safety net.
For example, it is common for adult children, when launching or when hitting a roadblock, to ask for financial help. As much as our inner self wants to bail them out, perhaps a better response would be something like: “We are happy to help this time. Let us talk about a plan so you will not feel stressed next month.”
A great enjoyment for grandparents is to offer practical support like babysitting or meal prep during busy seasons—but avoid taking over their long-term responsibilities.
5. Dealing with Disappointment or Conflict
Romans 12:18 reminds us:
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
This is a biggie! The adult child and those in their realm may develop values that differ from yours. Everything within us as parents wants to call them out and remind them of their “roots.” When values differ, and if you want to be effective and keep the dialogue flowing, it will be more beneficial to respond with grace and truth. Forgiveness and humility preserve relationships and create environments to slowly discuss differences. These qualities allow us to dialogue with “gentleness and respect” why one believes or chooses what they do.
One of the typical detours an adult child from a Christian perspective may take is to go to a church that is structured differently than you prefer (like Baptist versus Presbyterian for example). If this happens, avoid immediate criticism.
Perhaps an effective way to respond would be to say something like: “I am glad you are seeking a place to grow spiritually. I will pray God uses this season to strengthen your faith. I want to spend time with you to hear how you are enjoying the worship of our savior Jesus.”
6. Grandparenting with Purpose
Psalm 78:4 says:
“We will not hide them from their children, telling the generation to come the praises of the Lord.”
As they did when the now adult child was under their authority, grandparents can play a dynamic role in the spiritual development of their grandkids—without overstepping parental authority. Politely offering to read Bible stories or pray with grandchildren during visits is certainly a worthy desire and goal.
Simply ask first: “Would you be comfortable if I read a bible story or share a short prayer with them before bed?”
Again, the goal is to respect their parenting style while modeling Christlike love.
7. Prayer and Spiritual Influence
Philippians 4:6 reminds us:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.”
